I really should stop letting myself get behind on this. I did not include any of the small Super Bowl Ads because even I don’t hate myself enough for that. Also, I took out some others, including trailers of movies that are already out by the day this gets posted, movies that are now going to Netflix (including Zac Efron starring as Ted Bundy But Like A Person, Tho), and other Sundance stuff that I just had zero interest in/might not get a wide release.

Also, I’m not even going to talk about that Aladdin nonsense they released last night during the Grammy’s, because it was a special look or some fake term, also almost every frame was bad, so, I’m not going to waste any of our time. That said, you think this post wasn’t going to have Will Smith Genie in it? Ha. Fools.

Here’s more Genie.

Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

Based on the novel of the same name, this trailer seems to really rely on either people’s knowledge of said novel or on the fact that Cate Blanchett is the lead, which, I mean yeah, that second one does it a lot of favors, as I had been excited about this trailer before I watched it because she was the screengrab. Having actually watched it, my interest has waned a little bit, as it doesn’t seem particularly interesting. The concept implied by the title seems less mysterious and more endearing, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but not what I expected of a Cate Blanchett-led film. None of this is to say that this will be a bad movie, just not what I had anticipated.

Secret Life of Pets- Snowball

I deeply hope that this advertising campaign is not the start of a trend, where the trailers are mostly just a scene or two featuring one of the characters doing whatever that character’s personality demands. I’m sure it’s effective, especially for capturing the attention of the kids who would realistically make up the movie’s core audience, but it’s just not super interesting to watch as an adult. This one seems to be the least interesting of the group (at least Patton Oswalt’s had the creepy murder cats, which was kind of funny). This is just a lot of nothing and then Kevin Hart doing his Kevin Hart thing. You know what I’m talking about, right? Being violently homophobic years ago and then refusing to apologize until after people make a rightfully big deal about it? Yeah, you get it.

Hellboy

A reboot that I can’t imagine anyone really asked for, this movie gets a lot of support because of the cast that it is able to brag about (Including David Harbour and the always badash Ian McShane). That said, this trailer does have a couple funny moments in the early goings, including the titular character  being kind of frustrated with getting shot at as he comes to save the day, and the final shot of him with his full horns and the flaming sword and crown is decidedly pretty awesome. That said, the back half of the trailer gets badly lost in a bunch of bland CGI creatures (the original films were particularly noteworthy for their practical effects, something that appears much less important here). It might be able to coast by on its engaging lead, but this leaves much to be desired.

Men In Black: International

Stop me if this sounds familiar, but this very much feels like a reboot that will be able to coast on its engaging lead characters (Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson, calling upon their deeply wonderful chemistry from Thor: Ragnarok). Everything else is just kind of bland action against what will probably end up being a bunch of CGI monstrosities, although seeing Chris Hemsworth hold a very tiny hammer does earn a nice little chuckle every time I see this trailer. I think this reboot with engaging leads will probably end up being more successful because of the proven chemistry between the actors, but probably not to the point of really providing a sufficient reason for it existing.

Us

After a kind of weak start to this post, we get the trailer for Jordan Peele’s new movie, which trades out the very realistic horror of present day racism for the more outright terror of whatever the fork these dopplegangers are (172 Hours On The Moon-heads, let me hear ya!!!) But this is so damn freaky, with the jump scare music stings on top of the already very freaky strings or keys or whatever has been scoring my nightmares since Christmas Day. Also, Lupita N’yongo looks to give two incredible performances here, as the opposite sides of the lead character, calling upon empathy when we’re rooting for the pure version, and making me want to sleep with the lights on when she says “be careful” and then laughs with like, the anthithesis of joy in her face. She’s great. This is great. I’m scared.

SURPRISE GENIE

Happy Death Day 2U

I actually just watched the first movie earlier today (don’t ask me when I actually ended up writing this despite having the draft since the beginning of the week. Okay, I wrote it on Sunday). The first movie is a tremendous amount of fun, with Jessica Rothe’s lead performance being a true standout. This seems to add additional wrinkles of the murderer (probably the serial killer guy from the first movie? Who’s to say?) trying to kill everyone, not just the totally reasonably named Tree. Is it bad that I’d honestly rather get an explanation of her name rather than what is causing the day to repeat? Either way, this looks like a fun continuation of an already pretty fun first movie, with Tree ready to kick more ash, and the supporting characters getting more of a chance to shine. All that said, why is she even skydiving? Is that what skydiving planes look like? What happened to jumping out a side door? Why is her name Tree?

Secret Life of Pets- Daisy

I was about ready to talk about how this is more of the same, but this trailer at least suggests something resembling a plot, as the animals are out to save a tiger from a cage. Also, I find Tiffany Haddish to be super endearing, so hearing her voice come out of a cute little pupper goes a long way. I’m not really sold on this movie in any real way, but this is by far the most engaged I’ve been in any of these mini-trailers.

Spider-Man: Far From Home

So, yeah, Spider-Man and Nick Fury are going to get undusted by the end of Endgame.  I mean this is a thing that we basically knew, especially considering Holland was very open about the fact he was filming this movie. That said, it is a very interesting way to cut the tension of the climax of your 22-film/11-year universe. But, also, I’m very excited to Peter Parker back in action, even if he is fighting some truly poorly rendered element creatures, which I’m sure are in no way an evil creation of MysteriDaddy (stop casting attractive people, and I’ll stop referring to people as Daddy in these things). That said, Gyllenhaal’s one line-reading is actually pretty solid, making Mysterio more interesting than I ever could have imagined, and the last little joke of Flash fanboying on Spider-Man, only to call Peter a dickwad is genuinely very funny. I like to act like my concern/interest in the MCU will plummet after Endgame, but this trailer is good enough to make me realize that I am probably a big liar.

High Life

Listen. I’ve seen The Witch and Hereditary, so, like a part of me knows that an A24 horror film is going to be oh so deeply weird. But that said, this looks to be taking that level of weird to a whole ‘nother level. Like. I don’t think there is a singular frame of this that doesn’t scare me in a very deep way, and I’m not sure I really want to see it, but also, when does ticket pre-sale start because I’m ready to be scarred.

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Okay, y’all. Here’s the thing. I think that gun violence is a serious issue in our country. I think we glamorize gun violence in a way that makes people think that doing it will make them interesting, and it ends up killing a lot of innocent people, and I think we need to do something about it. In addition, using dogs for fighitng and violence is so deeply terrible, that I think it’s disgusting when people use innocent animals for violent means. That said, Keanu Reeves tomahawk throwing an automatic weapon at a dude and then shooting a motorcyclist in the head while riding a forkin’ horse, and watching Halle Berry run into a room and having her pet full on destroy a dude’s throat gave me such a tremendous joy. And I think he tries to kill a dude with a book at one point, which is so cool, and is also the gif I’m going to use when my book club isn’t reading the book. So, yeah, I’m probably not helping our country’s serious issues by seeing this movie the night it comes out, but I’m going to see this movie the night it comes out, so, yeah, *Ted Danson Problem Is Me.jpeg*

The Hummingbird Project

Man, what? Who are the good guys in this? Am I supposed to kind of root for people trying to cheat the NYSE? What? I mean I like Jesse Eisenberg a lot, and I think he can play a sleazy guy just about as good, if not better, than anyone else in the game right now (even an over-the-top sleazy guy, as I still think his Lex Luthor is one of the best parts of the DCEU), and I adore that Michael Mando, who is straight up killing on Better Call Saul, gets a named credit here, but like, what? All of these people are terrible.

The Hole In The Ground

Oh, goodie, another family drama/horror from A24. I’m already prepared to be like “Lolz this was great, why the fork did I watch this?” This kid is very weird, which is exactly what it wants me to think, but I’m very much not onboard for it, and by that I mean I’m going to see this. Like, that kid’s hand looks normal when he’s imitating the spider, but also it doesn’t look normal, and I hate it and I love it, and my dog really did not care for this trailer and barked at me, which scared me, and why am I going to see this in a dark theater at night, I’m sick.

Hobbs and Shaw

I have only ever seen the first two movies in this franchise, which, like, seems to basically suggest that I’ve not seen a singular movie in this franchise, considering how wild this franchise has become (did The Rock punch a submarine in the movie?) I always kind of thought these movies seemed a little bit too over-the-top for me, but something about the trailer for this one really makes me want to reconsider the opinion that I’ve held for this franchise. I’m going to say that it’s because it has all the Jason Statham and The Rock of the other movies, with way less of the Vin Diesel playing someone who isn’t Groot. Also, Idris Elba and Vanessa Kirby are both very dope. And, most important, my friend Sarah’s uncle (the dude who heard Steven Spierlberg say the iconic phrase “It’s Cheeto Time” on the set of Ready Player One) is the guy who is giving the titular characters their mission, and I really hope that the director of this movie is also super into Frito Lay.

Missing Link

I loudly scoff laughed at the title card reveal of the name Susan, so yeah I guess this movie is very much something I’d be down to clown with. It looks deeply stupid in the best of ways, and I’m not above that genre of film. Add a very good voice cast, including Zach Galifinakis, and the fact that this production company has basically become the new Pixar as far as it comes to consistently solid animation, and yeah I’m probably going to see and adore this, figh tme.

Shaft

This looks to be a lot of fun, which is not exactly what I was expecting to say of a Shaft movie almost twenty years after the last one came out, but whatever, I’ll chalk that up to being a very positive surprise. Also, having Richard Roundtree come back as well is a pretty serious get, and coupling him with Samuel L. Jackson, as well as the addition of a third generation Shaft kid who is not into the violence of it all, is a nice little comedy set up they have here. And I laughed very hard at the guy trying to start a knife fight, only to have Grandpa Shaft just shoot him in the damn chest. So, yeah, this trailer made me want to see a movie I previously had next to no interest in, so I’d say it was pretty effective.

Pet Sematary

Hey a horror movie trailer that is somehow both entertaining and doesn’t make me feel certain I will regret every damn second of my time in the theater. That said, we got a very creepy cat, and a very inattentive child who becomes a very creepy child, so this movie will for sure be scary, just not, like, regret scary, which is the best/worst brand of scary. That said, this movie does switch up the King book, by killing off the older child (for very logical reasons, detailed here) which might bum some people out, but also, who cares, as long as the movie is still good? That said, the execution of John Lithgow getting stabbed in the ankle is hardly promising that this movie is going to be good throughout, but we’ll have to see. If King’s Twitter is any indication, he seems to think the adaptation is a good/creepy one, so maybe we’ll be surprised.

Child’s Play

I’ve said it before, but what we have here is a random reboot that is just really hoping that it can coast by on its engaging cast (one of whom just happens to be a murderous doll, who we never get a very good shot of, which, you know, never bodes well). That said, the promise of PaperBoi going one-v-one against a two and half foot ginger doll could be enough to make me want to see this, so who knows? This trailer just wants you to remember the old franchise, which is kind of weird, considering how badly the creator of that franchise is bummed out by this movie’s existence, but yeah, sure, make your money.

Rankings and Summaries

  1. John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum- I’ll remind you, dude tomahawk throws an automatic weapon at a dude.
  2. Us- Thanks, I’m very scared.
  3. The Hole In The Ground– Everyone needs to make sure I don’t see this, but I’m friends with two people who like to tell me how ready they are to rewatch Hereditary again, so I guess i’m going to see this and hate myself for appreciating how good it is.
  4. High Life– This looks to be the next movie I will regret seeing the shirt out of as soon as I can.
  5. Missing Link– This movie looks to be the best kind of stupid, with a little bit of heart, so yeah, that’s basically me, I’ll fight you.
  6. Spider-Man: Far From Home– Although I am a little confused by their openness with Peter being resurrected or whatever, this movie still looks like incredible amounts of fun, so sign me up.
  7. Happy Death Day 2U– A fun looking sequel to a fun looking movie, that will hopefully answer the biggest question: who names their kid Tree and why is no one talking about this?
  8. Shaft– I never thought I’d see the day where I would want to see a sequel to a nineteen year old movie, but apparently 2019 is just out to keep surprising me.
  9. Hobbs and Shaw– This movie has pretty people and will make me think of the phrase “It’s Cheeto Time,” so yeah this is a good trailer.
  10. Pet Sematary- Yay, a horror movie that I don’t think I’ll regret seeing!
  11. Where’d You Go, Bernadette? – A trailer that suggests that if you are either based on a book, or have a super talented lead actress, your advertising doesn’t have to do anything too interesting to gain attention.
  12. Secret Life of Pets 2 Daisy- Incredible what a little bit of a suggestion of a plot and an actually endearing character can do to me thinking your movie won’t be pointless.
  13. Men In Black: International- I’d honestly rather just have Ragnarok 2.
  14. Hellboy– Despite an engaging lead in David Harbour, this mostly falls flat, and honestly probably won’t be worth the delay in Stranger Things 3.
  15. Child’s Play- This trailer would have been better off if it was just Brian Tyree Henry telling me about why I should see the movie, but, sure, okay, why would I want to see his face or the fact of the killer doll, anyway?
  16. Hummingbird Project- Who am I rooting for in this?
  17. Secret Life Of Pets 2: Snowball Trailer – Same as the other trailers in this group, but with a less sympathetic voice actor.

One for the road

Photo Credit
https://shawglobalnews.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/will-smith-genie-aladdin-trailer.png?w=720&h=379&crop=1

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